A tanned Premier Gordon Campbell faced the media nearly three weeks after taking off with knowledge provided by the Solicitor General that something was up that would require his attention. Like the famed Watergate, BC's latest scandal is rumoured to have its own deep throat; that source tells us that Campbell's initial media scrum was modeled after his staged cabinet meetings. That's when carefully rehearsed scripts are delivered before the TV cameras followed by the real meeting behind closed doors. In this case, deep throat tells us that he listened in on Campbell's second scrum.

Three major announcements were made in the real scrum. "First," said Campbell, "I have decided to do away with the word "British" in the province's name. It has hindered investment with links to the past." The Premier went on to announce that henceforth the province will go by the moniker "Columbia North". "The new name," said Campbell, "is much more likely to attract investment to BC's number one industry".

"Second," said Campbell, "I realized while being pulled off a Palm tree and loaded on the plane, that I shouldn't do anything without the RCMP's permission. If the RCMP thought it would be helpful for me to be home, I would have come home." Campbell announced that he appointed John Ward to act as leader and chief spokesperson for his New Era government."

"Third, I have reflected on my illegal increase in tobacco taxes just before Christmas," said Campbell. He went on to explain that the tax grab without legislative authority could always be made legal through retroactive legislation. He added that once contempt is demonstrated for the legislature, there is little to slow government's progress with niceties like adopting a statute before treating it as law. Knowing that his chances of balancing the budget are slim after tax cuts failed to pay for themselves, Campbell said, "Consistent with our new name and certain success in attracting more investment to our number one industry, a tax on BC Bud equal to the tobacco tax will be imposed effective midnight tonight."

An unidentified member of the scrum challenged Campbell on the new BC Bud tax. What about the US reaction, and what about federal-provincial revenue sharing? Campbell smirked and said "They have hit softwood but no amount of effort has stopped free enterprise from making shipments of our number one crop." As for the feds, Campbell reminded reporters to think of what happened to Herb. "When you've got the organizers, got the delegates and got the money, who do you think calls the shots?", he said.

Before Campbell's assistant could slam the car door in the face of the camera operator, an intrepid reporter shouted "what are you going to do to top this story and make it three in a row next Christmas?" "Just watch me," answered Campbell.